The Life of an Ancient
by Ixchel-of-Palenque
Summary: Full Title - The Life of an Ancient: From Ascension to Whatever Comes Next. - Ever wanted to know what happens when the Ancients Ascended? It must get pretty boring up there...come find out what they get up too. T for some language.


**The Life of an Ancient: From Ascension to whatever comes next.**

_Ever wanted to know what happens when the Ancients Ascended? They have that whole Non-interference rule right? Well, it must get pretty boring up there, really, if they can't meddle and play god._

_Well, this one-shot series of snapshots has a look into what goes on in that mystical place. And forgive the bit at the beginning about Maxwell…..it'll make sense (I hope)._

_Don't take the story seriously as I could be wrong as to what happens in Ancient-land._

_Warnings: Bad baseball joke, references to TV shows and Movies. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate SG-1; I don't own the song either. I don't own the TV show Survivor either. However, I own Maxwell and Bob. _

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><p>It was a bright and sunny day in Northern California. Maxwell Dobson was just cruising along in his nice brand new shiny blue dodge listening to some country music singing along.<p>

"_The Chev got stuck, the Ford got stuck but the Chev got out when the Dodge showed up. The Dodge got stuck in a tractor rut which eventually pulled out the Ford!" _he sang, his voice terribly off-key, although he had to wonder what happened to the dodge?

Maxwell was just an ordinary man, nothing too special about him but for some reason that he didn't know of, he was being watched. Now, he didn't know he was being watched nor if he did he would never guess who was watching him, after all there were only a select few people on the planet that knew of these peoples existence. Maxwell was being watched by ascended ancients.

Now normally the ancients don't watch over normal people, after all, it is against their laws to help with ascension, however Maxwell was not a normal person. He believed that there was something after death and that he would gain all the knowledge of the universe when he died but he had to prepare for it. This was why the ancients were watching him.

But he was not ready to die just yet but then again, he didn't really have a choice. You see, only minutes after that country song finished and a new one started Maxwell was killed in a car accident when a semi-trailer slammed into his brand new dodge and pushed him over a cliff. He died instantly.

Maxwell was a smart man; he knew he was dead when he woke up in a large powder blue, white and gold hall. It screamed grander, elegance and all those lovely words that we attach to rich people who have very nice houses. But however nice the hall was it had a waiting room kind of feel to it. There were chairs lined up along the wall and there were people sitting in the chairs reading newspapers and magazines. Maxwell didn't think this was odd at all, after all what else would one do when in a waiting room? Obviously he didn't notice the not-so-human looking beings behind the papers.

He spotted a window; similar to one would see at the bank, with a young woman sitting behind it. She didn't seem very interested in what was happening in the waiting room, lazily flicking through a magazine and chewing gum.

'Excuse me.' He said. The woman didn't even look up from her magazine.

'What?' (Imagine Roz from Monsters Inc. voice.)

'Can you explain to me why I am here?' he asked.

'You were born, you lived and you died. You're here 'cause someone thinks that you might be worthy of receiving all knowledge in the universe.' She said in an uninterested drawl, as if she said this often. She finally tor herself from the magazine (which had a picture of a little grey alien shaking hands with a rather robust bald man wearing a blue military dress blues (guess who!) with what looked like the top of a rather large ring in the background with a shimmering blue water like filling.

Maxwell looked up when he placed a pile of paperwork on the bench in front of her. The paperwork was about a foot high. She went back to flicking through the magazine.

'Fill these out and bring it back when you're done. D'ya need a pen?'

'No I'm alright.' And so he grabbed the papers and headed over to an empty seat with a table nearby and started filling it out.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in a retro looking café not so near the grandiose looking hall, another person was drinking a cup of coffee. Now this wasn't juts any person this was one of the ascended beings. His name is Bob and he has been dead for, well, he forgot how long. He is sitting and reading the part of the latest – well not so latest - news, since someone has the rest of his paper. The front cover has the headline "<strong>Dakkara Missing<strong>!" and its two days old.

Please remember that because this is the Limbo Café time doesn't flow normally here.

Now the last time we saw this café, in fact the only time we saw this café was when Dr. Daniel Jackson died and all the people wouldn't talk to him. What we saw then wasn't what the café was normally like. See it is normally more like a, well, normal café: busy and noisy. People sitting and chatting to each other, watching the live television of the ongoing exploits of the SG teams. Over in one of the corners however there is a betting booth, which is odd for a café but then again this is the Limbo café and anything can go, after all what have these people got to do in their afterlife?

'Hey! Has anyone got the latest sports report? I want the Ba'al betting odds!' Bob yells out to anyone who is listening. A paper is thrown to him from some other Anicent in the room. He opens the papers for the latest odds, which are as follows:

Ba'al Clone 22: 1/267 chance of dying of measles, protection detail of 5 Jaffa's, location: QXW-778

Ba'al Clone 26: 1/555 chance of dying by Tokra spy, protection detail of 8 Jaffa, location: P34-YH9

Ba'al Clone 44: 1/55 chance of dying by SG-1 shooting, protection detail 7 Jaffa, Location P2Y-997

And so on and so on…

Bob heads over to the betting booth. Now, the ascended ancients don't have money. They don't need money so why have a betting booth and gambling? Well, the ancients have one thing that is worse then anything that you can think of.

Jury duty.

Now, everyone in their life normally has to do jury duty at least once. But ascended jury duty is so much worse. You see, ascended jury duty means that you sit in a room for however many years and hope that someone comes in for judgment, for judgment is the final step in becoming an ascended being and hardly ever anyone gets to the judgment stage – the last person was Dr. Daniel Jackson.

You can't escape this jury duty because you bet how many years that you have to do in jury duty. If you win you get the amount of winnings off when you do jury duty next but if you lose you have to do that many years starting the moment you lose. Not many people do bet but they do and the minimum bet is 50 years.

So anyway back to Bob.

So Bob is at the betting booth by now and he decides to place a bet (150 years) on Ba'al Clone 44. Bob thinks that Ba'al clone 44 would die by an encounter with SG-1, after all it's pretty good odds considering the number of clones who have met their fate at the hands of Sg-1. He heads back over to his seat and waits for the TV to show the '_Survivor:_ _Ba'al Clone Demise'._

After a small while and three cups of coffee later '_Survivor:_ _Ba'al Clone Demise' _comes on. The program shows what is happening to each Ba'al clone as they fight to be the ultimate survivor. This week the show announces that Ba'al Clone 44 is killed. Bob looks up at the TV to see what fate Ba'al Clone 44 suffered.

The image on screen shows Ba'al and his Jaffa at a Stargate on some planet. One of his Jaffa is about to dial the gate to some other planet when the gate suddenly dials and activates. Bob is expecting SG-1 to walk through the Stargate however…..

…. A yellow volkswagon beetle comes flying through the Stargate and decapitates Ba'al. Inside the car is Bra'tak who is receiving a driving lesson from Teal'c (who received his license in 1969 after all) while Colonel Jack O'Neill is in the backseat. You can see O'Neill looking out the back window and notices the now dead Ba'al and several injured Jaffa. You can hear O'Neill yell out: 'Strike two, Ba'al One! Put her in third Bra'tak!' as the car speeds away.

The show ends and Bob's forced to head to the Jury Room where he is to spend the next 150 years in jury duty. As he passes a table the newspaper sitting there changes. Its title now reads:

"_**Ba'al Clone 44 Decapitate by Yellow Beetle"**__ – O'Neill makes bad baseball reference._

* * *

><p>Back in the waiting room, Max has finished the paper work and is sitting and reading a magazine. He's found some rather unusual things in this tabloid. Did you know that the Furlings weren't actually Furry? They were scaly of all things (Not that he knew what Furlings were).<p>

The door to the left of the window where the paperwork was submitted opened and Maxwell looks up to see how is walking through, thinking that he might be next. But he sees Bob walks through muttering something about balls and beetles (at least that is what Maxwell thinks he said) and watches as he exits through another door on the other side of the room. It's obvious that he his not going to be next and so goes to return to his magazine but decides that he wants to read the latest news instead. So he picks up the paper and watches wide-eyed as the headline changes.

"_**Falling Ha-tak kills Archaeologist"**__ – Rip-off of Wizard of Oz?_

"Oh Shit! I've got to go and clean his room because of that party!" Someone yells across the room jumps up and after seeing the new headline appear. They rush out of the room through another door and disappears into who knows where.

"What a strange fellow." Maxwell says to himself about to turn back to the paper when all of a sudden a man appears out of nowhere. Now, since Maxwell was the last person to enter the room this way it was definitely surprised to see someone just appear out of thin air. The man in front of him is not to tall, brown haired and is wearing the green BDU's of the US Air force and so Maxwell thinks that this must be Dr. Jackson.

He watches as Dr. Jackson heads towards the paperwork window and converses with the woman at the desk.

'Oh Dr. Jackson your back! It's good to see you again. Well, maybe not so good seeing as your dead again, but welcome back all the same! Your room is read for you if you want to go ahead and make your way over there. No need to fill out the paperwork, it's all on file already." she exclaimed. Maxwell was slightly confused since you can only die once, so how was it possible that Jackson was dead again? Maxwell shrugged his shoulders and turned back to his paper, thinking he would worry about it later and that maybe he might get a chance to talk to Dr. Jackson later, after all they had an eternity of death in which to meet.

Dr. Jackson walked through the same door that the person who said that they had to clean up Jackson's room went through. Maxwell turned to the page in his paper, and continued to wait – for what he didn't know.

* * *

><p>We're now back with Bob who is sitting with the rest of the Jury in the Judgment room. An unknown amount of time has passed since Bob first entered the room and all the ancients are sitting around bored out of their skulls since no one has come through the door into the judgment room in years.<p>

"Hey, I know, why don't we play _Risk and Conquer_?" asked one of the other ascended beings.

"Which edition?" asked another, perking up when the game was suggested.

"Universe of course!" replied the first ancient. The others all agreed to this suggestion, the game could go one for ages and was one of the more stimulating ways to pass the time.

"I call Asgard!" called another one of the ancients as they divided the pieces.

"That's fine, you can die in 500 turns." Said the first ancient. Bob grabbed the Ori pieces are set up his part of the game board. They all start playing the game to pass the time.

What they didn't realize was that they were actually playing a real game – messing with the lives of the people who were alive. Bob manages to win with the Ori and took over the universe. The game has lasted several years, and true enough the Asgard did die in 500 turns. Bob grabbed the paper that was sitting at another table and read the headline.

* * *

><p>Back in the waiting room Maxwell, who is still in the waiting room after about 30 years and is therefore more up to date with the going ons in the universe, is reading the paper when the headline changes:<p>

"_**Ori Take-Over Complete" **__– investigations continue._

He, and the rest of the people in the waiting room then heard a loud yell coming from the judgment room.

"Fuck!"


End file.
